kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.