Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.