[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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I beg your pardon?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause