Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!