Me too 😆
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.