Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.