mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You Might Also Like
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.