My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
You Might Also Like
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Tuesday
This meeting could have been a cake
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
they finally got him. they got macavity
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.