Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
This is a sub tweet
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just a bush.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’