#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Skills
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
asked my bf how work was today
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The funk soul brother
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*