Remember folks π
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we werenβt already fed up with each other enough as it is
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. Youβll be fine.
βYou’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
What is going on? π
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I donβt have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
βI have limits.β
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.