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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*puts cutlery down*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.