Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
$3 #books
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.