Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
You Might Also Like
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche