Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER