Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.