Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
love it when they get my name right
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak