If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much