When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Sex so good you see dead people.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.