When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
this is me
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides