Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
True.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.