і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine