♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!