こいつ天才
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Well. That’s not a good sign.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Not even remotely sorry.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.