🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
This is my pinned tweet
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.