🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
sliding into dms like
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension