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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
good let them take over I have had enough
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.