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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Jail
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Every time my phone rings
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.