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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved