Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
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time for some seasonal decor
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em