told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
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I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
notice
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?