these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The photographer’s assistant
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”