*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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The French cow says MEUX…
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*