Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic