Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week