My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
How animals would run if they were human
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids