Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”