Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My new favorite headline
Breaking news:
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it