This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
You Might Also Like
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
There are usually two types of merchants.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
are there any atheist mantises?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”