If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.