Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
just got my engagement photos
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied