Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card