Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If only.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target