My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.