me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.