bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter