*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The answer is funnier than the question
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
i think we should see other cousins
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.