*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good