Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You Might Also Like
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD