And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Ugh
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?